The Late Night Food...(late post cuz i suck.. written 26 March)

just cuz i can’t cOOk and can’t dO shit in the kitchen...i ate pOpcOrn fOr dinner last night...well i tried...twice!...i read the instructiOns On the thingy it says under five minutes suppOsedly...hmmm...i had the micrOvawe set fOr 2 mins just in case it gOt burnt...and then 2 mins later there were still sOme pOppin happenin inside sO i thOught...maybe 1 mOre minute...i remOved it after 20 secs and my kitchen smelt like a burnt-i-can’t-explain-shit...(i thOught - mOm!!!...i’m hungry feed me!!!)...the secOnd time it was better...half Of the pOpcOrn were cOOked and half were...well..it was still cOrn...they came undOne!...4 years living alOne in anOther cOuntry...it makes me wOnder hOw i still manage tO survive...the Only perfect thing i can dO in the kitchen is a mess!

i wOke up in the mOrning drOve tO wOrk...listened tO the news...and hOly pOpcorn!!!.. the city was On fire!...the cause - EXPLOSION Of an illegal Fire Cracker WarehOuse...uhmmm...sOrry i didn’t think the pOpcOrn wOuld have that much Of an effect!..
well tOnight me and my dOgs are just eating marshmallOws fOr dinner!...

Insignificant Others

Growing up I have always been the comedian/drama queen. I get very touchy when it comes to my birthday. As a kid I expect everybody to remember; if one of my cousins missed to greet me I would sulk and mope all day long. That bad huh? I know! When I get a little older I have moved on from the close relatives to close friends to close co-workers. In the office I expect confettis or a gigantic balloon with my name on it, flowers, cakes the works. Everything has to be exquisite. In spite of all the parties and such I still feel that somehow there are something that my friends and colleagues aren't able to fulfill. The surprise party! That's because most of my celebrations are planned! I wonder; has it ever occur to my friends that I sometimes would like to expect the unexpected at least? I mean seriously, they plan things a week ahead or even worse a month ahead! The problem is most of those plans never manifest into an actual event; they remained as concept till I get over it.

Speaking of getting over it; this year, I completely stop caring! I almost forgot about it when I woke up this morning! I just got up and worked out and can I just say that there is something utterly annoying in working out in the morning. It's bad enough that I have the same schedule as the rest of Dubai's Desperate Housewives; I also have to watch them gossip amongst them selves and build gangs in class rooms so they can occupy the great spots. I will talk about this one day. That and the cellulites and saggy boobs, implants, everything you see in a women's locker room!

Going back to my original beef of the day; for a week now I successfully managed to ignore the rest of the universe and whatever significant this day has brought to me until yesterday….

The office phone rings....
Jess: Good afternoon (insert company name here) this is Jess
Lady on the other line: Hello I am calling from (hotel name) Hotel, can I talk to Jess?
Jess: (DUH! Didn’t I just ID myself earlier) You got her
Lady on the other line: Hello Madam could you send someone over to the hotel tomorrow to pick up the cake?
Jess: Huh? Cake? Someone ordered a cake? I didn't! What's the cake for?
Lady on the other line: Oh it's the cake for your birthday Madam!
Jess: Oh really? I don't really know if I can, I have work tomorrow, but if your cake is still available after 8 pm someone will eat it! (Lol) I mean I will pick it up.
Lady on the other line: Yes of course, just please claim it from the Pastries Boutique.

Weird! First of all how do they even know it's my b-day? Sure I put some of our insignificant low budgeted guests there but knowing my b-day is too much of information a Hotel used once a year can get a hold of, I'm officially scared now!
And what's with the Pastries Boutique somehow for me the word Boutique should only be associated with garments, fabric or textiles.

2 hours later an e-mail came through from a Head Hunter company wishing me Happy B-day but no mention of any cake at all! (cheap bastards! Lol!)
Several minutes later, I was flooded with e-mails from various companies like Souq.com, Hotmail and many others.
As if the day isn't weird enough I received sms form HSBC sending their wishes.
5 days back I been getting myspace messages from people I do not know of also with their greetings, then as I logged in today I read at least 10 offline messages from skype with the same intention-to wish me happy b-day!
OK Who are these people?

Despite the strangeness factor bit, I am deeply touched that the World Wide Web spent 1 second to remember! Sweet! So while I was absorbing this nostalgic relationship I have with the Internet I paused and asked myself. Am I all over the place? Am I too honest when filling out information online? I certainly am. Suddenly I am having an anxiety attack. I cannot distinguish the difference between feeling overwhelmed by how these insignificant others take a little time for me and being scared for putting too much truthful information online (aside from this blog of course where I chose to be somewhat anonymous)

As I slowly regain full consciousness I asked (again), where the hell are my friends? How come I get mostly impersonal greetings? Oh I remember 1 friend called me on the 5th and she was all like "Hey hey it's your b-day" I sighed and said, Dude you are calling the wrong friend, try again it's not the 7th yet.

Last night I received an overseas call from someone I used to totally hangout with. A friend that’s always hungry never full and she call me "Bitch" when she feels like being sweet. BUT the line got disconnected, the bad thing was, her number didn't appear on my phone so no way of calling her back - that bitch sure knows how to annoy me even when she's million miles away. I love and miss her though.

So anyway I wanted to go to sleep earlier last night for a change because you know, I normally get some shut eyes way past 2 am. My phone just never shut up, so I shut it off. This morning people started calling again. I intentionally ignore them as I took my time dressing up for work. Somehow I can’t ignore the ringing forever, I picked it up to find out that my friends wants to see me because they bought me a cake (another cake) I’m not really fond of the idea that collecting cakes will be the highlight of this day but whatever and I’m not even a cake person.

Now I am not sure where I stand with this birthday thing, it’s no longer a big deal to me. I just want to get it over with.

Uh Huh Her!

Today after what seems to be an eternal hiatus I decided to see you again. I went to your class after a major resistance. I told myself I needed the work out (who am I kidding?). I signed in, got my ticket and got inside the room. Wait! Who is this rather fine looking woman fixing the weights-YOUR weights! A little conversation went through my head "Does this mean she is not teaching? Oh I guess it's great so then I would not have to deal with random discomforts every time she looks at me. Good, I'm ready, bring it!". Just when I was settling in you walked right through the door. Why is it that every time I feel your presence I get completely dismantled? My head was spinning I kept on telling myself I could do this, you are just some person in this class. I can always just concentrate on the drill; yes that's right, it's not so hard to do is it? For a brief moment things were fine, class begun, that fine looking lady kicked it off with you being the shadow. That's good I don't have to hear your voice, that would make things easier. Off we go! Pick up your weights, bend your knees, stick your butt, count one two yoohooo! Perfect; I forgot that few minutes back I was dismantled; I have regained my composure...until you smiled at me! There it goes again, your presence taking over me, I had to smile back although I wish I hadn't but then I would be really rude. I need to look away-away from your overwhelming glory.

Halfway through the class you switched places, you took over I heard your voice, it's powerful, it's tearing me apart. I wish this class would end and then I could kick your butt all over town, soon after that I will forget you (yeah right! In my dreams!). An hour of agony later, my self inflicted misery is over! Class dismissed! I ran to the locker room; shower, I need shower! Some pretentious lady trying to be as slang (Yankee slang but I could still tell where she is from) as she could was crunched down below my locker talking to someone in her cell about a dinner. Normally that would really irritate me but not this time, I have other things in my mind. I had to get out of this place before I am face to face with my death. I have never stripped so fast in my life. Yeah but I wrapped my body around with towel so quickly too. Shower time. Lather it up, rinse and go! In times like these when you look like a potato sack in your towel gown; you wouldn't really wanna see the person you are running away from. And who do I ran into across the shower area? You! Why God? What did I do wrong? Once again we said "Hi" (with a slight hint of embarrassment and a lot of awkwardness, I am so sure you noticed that) I had a little time to analyze. Did watching Forrest Gump last night a screaming clue of what my day is going to be like? Run Jess Run? Whatever, I have to get dressed; immediately if not sooner! I got my skirt, my top and wow I still have my towel around my head and who walked in this time? Her! Uh huh her! That pretty lady with you in the class. She is hot and I'm sure you think so too. While I was pickin up my dirty clothes you showed up! Dammit! Can I go anywhere without you being there at all?!? Gotta fix my stuff, I got to get out of here I am running out of air to breathe. Then you had a conversation with her. You were asking her out for a dinner! She seemed a little bit hesitant, I am just not sure if it's because she does not want people to know that you are asking her out or that she is a closet case or maybe she lives in Straight Ville. Suddenly I am frozen, not because of your presence but because I just realized something. That look in your eyes and that smile you have while you are looking at her is the same God Damn look and smile that I had when I was talking to you sometime back from which Ana had told me. Can this be anymore of a torture? I feel how you feel. I feel it for you and you feel that for her! You really like her don't you? While I am figuring this all out, I wish that I am in a different place! I should have stayed home and bathe my dog, watched whatever and not have a knife stabbed my heart a million times in a matter of 2 minutes! Seriously I need to get myself away from this! Dammit why is it that when you need flip flops you find a pair of converse in your bag instead all this damn shoe laces that I now don't remember how to tie! I looked up and you picked up a sweaty black garment, you asked her if it was hers and she said yes, and you put it in your pocket! Did you just take her underwear and put it in your pocket? WTF!!!

I managed to escape from that holocaust and we all know that when we are rushing we tend to forget many things! Where the hell is my cell phone? Please don't make me go back there I cannot suffer any further! I can't breathe, I need my car keys! Where the hell is everything? In this situation I usually say calm down, well bull shit! How can I calm down when my world is falling apart? Eventually I found everything. I can now safely go home. As I walked to the parking lot which is not very far by the way, I felt some moist in my eyes, now it cannot be tears, maybe it's just because it's too humid, but that moist became liquid and they start to fall, I felt my heart stopped beating for a second and my shoulder was shaking. I guess I am crying. These are the most stupid tears I have ever let go from my eyes. I can't cry for you, you don't even know I like you...a lot. You that I only see when I want to. You that I can never have enough courage to ask out.

I had to call Ana, she is the only one who understands, she told me when she met her that I have some serious thing going on for her. This is when she explained about the look I had and the smile I had while I looked or perhaps stared at her. For sure she would not tell me how stupid I am for feeling this way. But then again she might yell at me for not asking you out long before. Now it's officially too late. You have that za za zoom in your eyes for that beautiful lady. After I dialed Ana's number for about a hundred times I gave up. It's Sunday afternoon in Madrid, she must have been out with her family. I sat in my car a little longer with my blurry vision. I wish it was raining so nobody can see. I went home, naturally when I see my dog I feel better, but not this time. It hurts to like someone so much without them knowing. And unfolding the reality in front of my very eyes wasn't easy to accept either. I guess that's how my story with you ends. You took my sunshine away. I have never been so heart broken in my entire life until tonight!

Just as I was about to save this; Ana texted asking if I was ok. I called her and as soon as she said "Hola!" I'm soaked with tears again. Apparently I was wrong because she said "You are so stupid why are you crying? You have seen her with that curly haired girl whom you thought was her girlfriend and it never affected you how is this different?" And I felt that knife stabbed me again. This is different because I never saw you look at curly haired girl like that; I can feel that you are nervous around that pretty lady today. I reminded Ana about that look that she told me about. And I said "This is different because I never saw HER asked anyone out in front of me before" And she said it sucks that she is so far away because it scares her to actually hear me sob and talk at the same time. She said "I gotta get you to Madrid soon, promise me that after this there are no more Mona classes, its either that or you go to another gym! Forget about Mona"

Kate - I THANK YOU for Caring

Although many people think that the Showtime's hit series The L Word is overrated; I still look forward to the next season although it didn't give us a lot to hold on to for the next 9 months. When I find something utterly interesting for example a TV show I tend to go deeper than the text book (i.e. the script), I can't just watch and be totally incoherent, I feel the need to unravel the real color of the people who plays the character on TV hence the endless research about the cast-only the ones I admire. I would like to know that they are so much more than that of the character that they play. The ones that I find endearingly amazing are Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey.

Kate was on a teenage TV show called Young Americans she was also seen in Art School Confidential, Invitation to Suicide and a film called Shipping News etc.

Leisha on the other hand have been in the spot light since she was a kid, I first knew of her from listening to a 2 piece band The Murmurs, and then I later discovered that Leisha was also in this old TV show called When Boy Meets Girl and so many other appearances in TV and music industry, she currently have a new band called Uh Huh Her they haven't put up a website as of yet, perhaps they are still too busy working on their EP and I hope it's nothing less than what The Murmurs have established over the past decade.

While Leisha is an openly admitted Lesbian; Kate Moennig never talks about her sexuality which I am pretty bummed out about or maybe I don't really care much for I absolutely hope and believe that she is a lesbian. There is not a single part of her body that tells me she is straight, remember Gaydar? Yeah we all have it implanted in our system and her signal is so much stronger than Etisalat could ever produce! In fact she kinda help me realized who I am.

So I did some searching about her and I am deeply overwhelmed to discover what a wonderful person she is. And in my very little way I am grateful of what she is doing. The only question I have about her documentary is: Now that they know how hostile the lives of these kids are; will they do more than just film them?

My Address with K. Moennig:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Leisha and Kate's funny podcast:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Que Coño ha Pasado?

I went on vacation for a week and when I came back my blog is in German?
WTF happened here?!?
I would have understood it if it were in Spanish but noooo...it has to be Deutche?
Sohn eines Weibchens!!!!

Excepts from the short lived vacaciones:

The beach had lots of biatches and it was equally awesome...I am burned as hell...can't wait till I see what I have filmed! A friend named Ana flew in from Madrid to see the targets (Male Emaratis) up close, apparently her appetite switched from "hombres españoles calientes" to "hombres árabes calientes " even though I have warned her that they aren't as hot as they look in the sheets, she didn't mind. She did not want just any Arab man; it has to be Emaratis wearing kandura (intrigued by what's underneath it all) Fine! I don't get it but whatever!
So we went to Al Ain where all the beautiful and perfect Emarati gentlemen were and boy did she almost piss in her pants! I guess she didn't have fun as much as she should have had because some part of my brain have blocked all the menkind and I have completely lost interest in them so at some point I had a hard time relating to a female desire just by lookin at men. We head back to Dubai later that day and I had to come up with some excuse to go to the gym so I can see the one who takes my sunshine away! There she was...piercing blue eyes and bone melting smile!

Next night we had coffee at Japenggo in Dubai Marine area...it was beautiful...we were being so random that we wound up with this conversation:

Ana: Will you marry me?
Jess: Really?
Ana: Yea! so you can be an EU national and move to Madrid with me!
Jess: LOL! yea let's get married!

And then we started laughing, there were 2 local boys behind us and they didn't know how to react and they cannot believe if they were really hearing what they were hearing.
We left the scene still crackin up and she kept on playing with people's mind. While we were walkin she held me and said "Where do you wanna go baby I'll take you there!" and I just kept laughing! It was too funny cuz I know that she is so straight. Oh and I forgot the part when there was this pretty lady that kept on looking at me that it made me feel uncomfortable and almost wanted to ask for her name if she weren't with her sisters (I figured because they all look alike; all 3 of them). After she ate a whole plate of I dunno what the hell it was, she stood up took one more look at me (I hope it was really me she was looking at) and then left! Soon after she left the butterflies visited my stomach and decided that they want to fly around again!

Ana left on Tuesday night and the fun is over. I'm kinda sad now that my future spouse is back in Madrid! Lol!

p.s. Mona you're fuckin breakin my heart everyday and you don't even know it!

Vague

In a world where everyone is delusional
Where everyone is confused and in denial
One cannot draw the conclusion between what is real and what is a make believe

I sat in a corner as I watch the world come tumbling down
I see how surreal the reality appears to be
Nothing is real and all its meaning of every purpose is vaguely represented by a superficial desire to outwit the original character

The ugliest of form is coated by an element from which the substance is brutally eliminated and stripped off of its core
As one evolves leaving nothing but a shadow of what used to be pure
Every inch of its being is corrupted by a force bigger than that of a monstrous image that won’t fade

Like a child I hide from the dream that had manifested into a nightmare that haunts me in my sleep
I searched for familiar faces as I step closer to the ground of a foreign territory
I found nothing but a feeling of eternal longing for a salvation to lift me off of an infinite void

And like a pair of paralyzed limb I felt so numb and helpless to save me from an unforgiving fate the brought me into the brink of insanity
All that I know I am left my once defined consciousness
An endless inquisition takes me to a boundless uncertainty

It seems like the search for my once affirmative identity and a battle to fight against the unknown from which I have already claimed victory for is once again set to begin
I no longer see black or white
Both have been diluted to a frightening shade of grey
Nothing is ever what it seems

Beneath the Surface

I have always known...all the signs I've seen... I have always ignored..I have lived a lie...I tried to hide...I almost died...I tried to face it...I almost lost it...


...tbc...