Tonee's Craddle

In the middle of wanting to party and finding nirvana on a Thursday night I found myself doing neither as I stood completely stunned by the door lookin at my friend Tonee with a knife in his hand and very lightly trying to cut fine lines on his wrist! I walked towards him and hugged him tightly trying to take that knife away but he refused to let go of it! Holy jumping Jesus! What do I do?
He said "This is it!"
Huh? This is what - I asked myself, Is he gonna seriously cut his wrist?
And again he said "This is my Karma"
Allow me to explain that - the boyfriend that he has now used to be his best friend's boyfriend. You know how they say "If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you?" well - this is what it's about.

Tonee asked for Drew (our other friend) so I went out of the room and find Drew who was then tensed while chopping tomatoes in the kitchen. I told him that Tonee want's to see him. Meanwhile, Larry, (Tonee's now ex boyfriend - but I don't know anymore) was in the living room watchin TV and at the same time calming himself down from that vicious fight they just had. I told Larry what I found in that room. He hurriedly went to see for himself and asked Drew to leave the 2 of them in the room to talk and possibly keep Tonee from killing himself.

I sat in the corner of my room thinkin OMG! What a night! I never realized that homosexual relationship can be so dramatic not to mention traumatic! 20 minutes later Larry knocked on my door, he said "Could you do me a favor and drop Tonee to his new place, I could not do it, I can't stay in this house either" I said "Of course" Drew finished cooking, we ate dinner, we tried to have a completely different topic to divert the situation but I could not help lookin at Tonee and seeing how hurt he is though I'm very happy that the knives and all the sharp objects were all hidden somewhere he could not find. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that's it's all going to be ok but knowing Tonee, doing such would all the more cause him to break down so we pretended everything was fine.

Benji (Drew's boyfriend) and I loaded Tonee's things in the car. As we walked away from what used to be a happy home I felt Tonee's pain sunk deeper in his veins and that deafening silence and the eerie atmosphere that surrounds us consumed every bit of strength that held Tonee together. I held his hand and I whispered "Don't look back" as we get closer to the gate Larry shouted "Are you crying again? Stop crying!" Tonee let go of a long sigh and motioned to his direction and said "No, my right knee is hurting that's why I can't walk properly" I continued to walk Tonee went back and Larry walked towards him, they kissed, they hugged. What a pitiful sight. It hurts. They said their goodbyes, and that they'd call each other. I started the engine, sat and waited for Tonee to get in the car. As soon as he sat down he let go of all the tears he's been trying to stop from falling. I started to drive as Tonee fell apart. I said "Scream if you need to, cry as hard as you can its ok, no one’s gonna know" (That's right this is why I'm blogging it - I'm such a traitor) He stopped and he said “I’m ok, I’m done” I said “You are not done, you are just getting started, let it all flow, let it all out, for this is your last cry” And then he burst into an endless river of tears.

The thing is, Tonee and Larry has been having problems since late last year when Tonee went on a month long vacation leaving Larry in Dubai living like a single man; Larry's going out habit isn't something that Tonee is very fond of which at some point; we all thought that Larry was seeing another boy toy. They talked about it and Larry stopped goin out. Despite the effort that Larry exerted to compromise and willingness to meet Tonee half way, Tonee remained reluctant to rekindle the relationship and settled being a desperate "housewife" who find's his joy in cleaning the house and doing the laundry over the weekend! We (Benji, Drew and I) have tried countless of ways to make Tonee understand that their deteriorating relationship is not gonna revive itself and that he has to meet Larry's needs which for us are very simple. Larry's indulgent includes, eating dinner outside twice a month, walking thru Ikea's model rooms and amusing himself with the selection of products in Dragon Mart. "If" indeed Larry cheated on Tonee, he stopped (oh so we thought - who knows) as soon as Tonee asked him to stop and make "them" work again, Larry did just what he was told but Tonee did not reciprocate well to save the relationship. Every time Larry would ask him to go out, Tonee has all the excuse one can come up with. "I'm tired, I'm cleaning, I wanna stay home and watch DVD, I need to press the clothes" So their main activity on Friday is basically general cleaning so hot right?!?
As expected; Larry has grown so bored with all of it. The spark died. The sex - well there were none anymore.

Larry asked for a room to breathe, a space, in short he wants a "cool off" are we still calling it that? The gentle or coward way to end it? From what I have gathered over a caramel macchiato and too many sticks of cigarettes' conversation with Tonee at Starbucks along Jumeirah Beach Road, the deal is; in 2 months they will try to find themselves again separately, they have been a couple for so long that they have lost their individuality. Tonee does not know who he is without associating himself with Larry. Tragic! This decision made Tonee felt like Larry is pushing him away, what he wanted was, to resolve the problem while they are together; he cannot grasp the concept of "independence", he would want to craddle a crippled relationship. After 2 months of soul searching or what have you, they will then decide if they want to get back together.
I tried to explain to Tonee how this thing called "breathing space" works. So I began, I said too much togetherness is just as bad as being too far apart. Unless you share absolutely the same interest (which can sometimes be boring) or you are both headed towards the same direction, otherwise it will just eat you alive. Don't think that he is pushing you away; this is an opportunity for both of you to explore your individuality so you can then become an interesting person to each other once again. It’s about finding a way to re-live the spark you once had when he got attracted to you, so attracted he decided to cheat on your best friend with you! (lol I didn't say that out loud) But I think I said many things last night that made sense to him because he said "What you said were the same thing that Drew, Benji and even Larry were talking about, I just could not accept and understand it because I felt like I'm being pushed away and punished. Now I know"

@ 2:30 am I am almost hallucinating due to excessive amount of coffee and cigarette, we decided its time to go to Tonee's new place.
I wish it was not real, tiny elevator, the flat was too small, the mattresses are on the floor and he is sharing a room with 4 girls! The room is small enough for 2 people let alone 5! I cursed Larry, I wish there are some other place where I could take Tonee. I could not bear it. I was screaming in my head. It's not fair! I felt so helpless. I excused myself and told Tonee I have to go because my car wasn't parked properly. I told him I would call him. I could not breathe in the elevator, I am claustrophobic but never mind that, what about Tonee? That poor thing! I called as soon as I drove off to say sorry that I had to go and that he should rest. I promised I would pick him up every Friday night and we'd go wherever he wants to. Maybe in 2 months he is back in our home but that's not even guaranteed.

Today I still could not believe that last night did happen. My poor friend.