Hysterical Kingdom

It All Boils Down to a Vacuum Cleaner

2008-06-07T05:29:00.005+04:00

It’s that time of the year for me again when most people rejoice and commemorate the day that their mother’s water bag broke and curse their father off to the most excruciating execution for causing that much pain as they shoot them off of her vagina – and this day is also known as birthday! Yes you heard me, that was called birthday. Oh so what if I’m cynical!?! Sue me! I’m just tired of this yearly event and right now it does not serve that good of a purpose to me as I step into a new decade of countless who-knows-what. How did I get here? I mean, I hope somehow someone in some parallel universe has a perfect explanation for what I have become. I used to be the person with utmost interest to save the world. The one with the greatest attributes to make this world a better place; now I’m just an exhausted soul buying Vacuum Cleaner as a birthday present for myself and actually finding bliss with the thought of cleaning my apartment during this day, numb with all the calluses carved on me by various circumstances both fortunate and unfortunate. I used to care so much about what others go through and what they think and if they are with great values and how I can help them. I was gonna build a community, adopt the homeless, nurture the abandoned babies, nurse the ailing and help people reach their dreams and ambitions. Where did it all go? I’m flabbergasted by how much my life took a completely different spin and I sat there watched it all happened as if I’m helpless and could not stop anything for taking place no matter how wrong it felt. The sad part is in this moment, as guilty as I feel for letting my dream slip away I find myself nonchalant about it. The feeling of defeat somehow becomes familiar that it broke all my strength down to pursue the goodness in me as though I am this evil person who will watch someone die in front of me and I won’t even bother to blink. Sometimes I sit in the dark and go through this extensive inquisition with myself to search deep down who or what I really am; at some point it frightens me that I could not seem to find the answer. Like today I’m beat and yet I could not sleep so I opted to blog instead while Sarah Mclachlan tortures my invisible emotions. All my memories of the last decade suddenly come rushing in and I felt pins and needles aggressively poking the left side of my chest which most people calls heart. I wept for something beyond my level of comprehension. All these people in my life seem like these fragments of my imagination and I’m deliberately flushing them down the drain while my solitude brings me to ecstasy. How can some find great pleasure in loneliness? Is it because I failed to follow my dream so I subconsciously punish myself by isolating me from the company of people that I enjoy?
Is my guilt so powerful that it eliminates my reasoning from justifying the things I deserve regardless if I failed or succeed? It might take more than a session of sitting in the dark to analyze the events in my life which I have lost control over. Must I lose interest in the things that used to make me realize my existence? I sure hope not. I should never cease to be compelled to seek for that real purpose I once thought I got all figured out. Life appears to be an infinite search of its core sense before one find profound happiness and sometimes people find the answers back to where they started.
Little did I know; it might be the case for me but now it doesn’t feel like it yet.

All I know is, on my birthday I’m using the vacuum cleaner I bought as a present to clean my apartment – that is already making me smile.

Isn't it Ironic?... says Alanis

2008-05-15T19:21:00.007+04:00

I’m slightly irritated but not as much as I'm amused by the poor people who try ever so hard not to show that they care if not obsessed over someone still by saying “I don’t care”

Why write about this? Since I asked, let me just recollect all my bizarre memories and experiences of countless souls that dodged the icky feeling of obsession over another person. I talk so much everyone knows that, but when it comes to my shrink chair I am all ears to everyone who is anyone who is going through some blah-ness in their lives. Sometimes they talk about their would-be significant other, used-to-be significant other, want-to-be significant other, or just somebody who is someone. After the endless ranting and raving it ends with “I never really care about her/him anyway”, “I never really love him/her”, I don’t give a shit!” Sometimes they write on their shout out. “I’m too busy to care” but apparently not busy enough to have a time to write that shout out down.
At some point when they accidentally hear an update about that someone, they update the shout out to “I’m too happy to be affected” Whaaaat? LOFL! I don’t get this, seriously, my idea of not caring for real is to just NOT CARE period, shut the fuck up, just live your life, enough with the contradicting statement and move on. It makes me beef and I don’t even know why. It’s just so booooo!

If you think about it, the musicians that writes song about their ex and bash them in the lyrics and pretend that they are over them and done with them. Well what the hell are they still singin about then? For someone who is done and over with they had to still spend sometime reminiscing and reliving the painful memory and write a song about it. That doesn’t look like DONE to me. And that’s the irony of this whole thing with people who sing about goodbye, bitterness and denial. In their lyrics they claim they have moved on. Yeah clearly, I mean ok the mean lyrics is one way of getting back at the painful experience and somewhere somehow some depressed heartbroken somebody is going to obsess over that song and then a whole bunch of other depressed people likes that song and then it becomes number 1.Well awesome! I mean I would also writer a song about my bitterness to make money out of it but then again at the end of the day I would realized I never really gotten over it and even more so sunk myself in it cuz this stupid song that I wrote will follow me till eternity and that memory will carve an even deeper scar on me. But then I can always use the cash! Lol! I just can't be bothered
All I’m saying is why are people so hypocritical? I won't say I never did because it's a lie. I always admit that I liked that someone but now I don't feel that way anymore. It's not so hard to say it, why the pretentions? I don't get the pretentions! I just can't lie to myself - I won't be able to sleep like a baby at night. :-)
I’m blah-ing about this cuz it makes me sad to watch them torture themselves.

Do You Know What Your Tattoo Means?

2008-04-28T15:50:00.009+04:00

I have always supported freedom of expression, no matter what form they maybe as long as it doesn’t violate anyone’s rights. I have a few antics of my own which includes writing, photography and tattoos. Sometimes I sit around and bash people in my vivid imagination – oh wait, that was a hobby and it violates people’s right to defend themselves against what I think of their outfit, body, hair and personality, so yea maybe it’s another level of my own freedom expressing my opinion. More to the point of my subject matter of the day – tattoo.

I have about 5 of them. I would say 3 out 5 are my favorites. I’m currently in love with the latest addition to this mild obsession I have. Let me help you locate this piece of art in my anatomy – it’s on my forearm so it’s pretty visible to the human eye. Usually on my carefree day I wear t-shirt or a tank top (sometimes I wear pants too hah!). It’s hot here so obviously pullovers are not really in fashion mostly.

As I walk around the fabulously hot and humid streets of Dubai this piece always gets some stares and it usually starts a conversation on its own. It’s so annoying how much attention it gets that it got me buying long sleeves lately and damn it it’s hot! When my arm is free from the sleeves it talks to people. I’m telling you there have been ridiculous amount of conversation this arm had with random people. My arm is like this chic with humongous boobs and men don’t look at her face when they talk to her the only stare at her tits. She is a walking breast; her personality is completely over ruled by the boobies.
October of last year was when I got it and since then I probably had hundreds of people that had asked me this irritating question whenever, wherever.

So they stare at my arm and I’m fine till they ask – “Hey, so do you know what your tattoo means?” For the first 10 people that asked me that I was all nice and smiley. I gladly explained the whole history of how this piece came about (the story will only be told if necessary). After few more of that I’m violent! I mean what the fuck are these people thinking? This question is stupid and not to mention insulting! Who would mark their body something they do not know of? Ok granted I obviously do not look like an Arab and I also don’t look like I could speak Arabic let alone read it but damn it I wouldn’t mark my body something I have no clue about. And I live in an Arab country for crying out loud so gimme a break for appreciating the language and the calligraphy! If I saw someone with an interesting tattoo on their body I think the proper conversation would be “That’s and interesting tattoo, what does it mean?” sounds lame but not insulting as:

Dude: So, do you know what that means in your arm?
Me: Yeah
Dude: Enti Shereerah. It means you are evil. Are you evil?

(Ok first of all I already said I know what it means, I never implied he had to explain it to me and furthermore to ask if I am evil! I have few responses for this question)

- Depends on who’s asking

- I will be if few minutes if you don’t get out of my way

- Yeah, your mom didn’t tell you?

- Excuse me I need to go that way.

This dude in the gas station chased me (or maybe he was chasing my arm) from the counter to the parking lot just to explain to me what my tattoo means. I am so sick of this shit if I get one more question about this tattoo I will just automatically bite my arm till it bleeds in front of them!

Oh my neck hole this is just a tattoo not the apocalypse!

The Late Night Food...(late post cuz i suck.. written 26 March)

2008-04-02T15:04:00.007+04:00

just cuz i can’t cOOk and can’t dO shit in the kitchen...i ate pOpcOrn fOr dinner last night...well i tried...twice!...i read the instructiOns On the thingy it says under five minutes suppOsedly...hmmm...i had the micrOvawe set fOr 2 mins just in case it gOt burnt...and then 2 mins later there were still sOme pOppin happenin inside sO i thOught...maybe 1 mOre minute...i remOved it after 20 secs and my kitchen smelt like a burnt-i-can’t-explain-shit...(i thOught - mOm!!!...i’m hungry feed me!!!)...the secOnd time it was better...half Of the pOpcOrn were cOOked and half were...well..it was still cOrn...they came undOne!...4 years living alOne in anOther cOuntry...it makes me wOnder hOw i still manage tO survive...the Only perfect thing i can dO in the kitchen is a mess!

i wOke up in the mOrning drOve tO wOrk...listened tO the news...and hOly pOpcorn!!!.. the city was On fire!...the cause - EXPLOSION Of an illegal Fire Cracker WarehOuse...uhmmm...sOrry i didn’t think the pOpcOrn wOuld have that much Of an effect!..
well tOnight me and my dOgs are just eating marshmallOws fOr dinner!...

Insignificant Others

2007-06-07T12:29:00.000+04:00

Growing up I have always been the comedian/drama queen. I get very touchy when it comes to my birthday. As a kid I expect everybody to remember; if one of my cousins missed to greet me I would sulk and mope all day long. That bad huh? I know! When I get a little older I have moved on from the close relatives to close friends to close co-workers. In the office I expect confettis or a gigantic balloon with my name on it, flowers, cakes the works. Everything has to be exquisite. In spite of all the parties and such I still feel that somehow there are something that my friends and colleagues aren't able to fulfill. The surprise party! That's because most of my celebrations are planned! I wonder; has it ever occur to my friends that I sometimes would like to expect the unexpected at least? I mean seriously, they plan things a week ahead or even worse a month ahead! The problem is most of those plans never manifest into an actual event; they remained as concept till I get over it.

Speaking of getting over it; this year, I completely stop caring! I almost forgot about it when I woke up this morning! I just got up and worked out and can I just say that there is something utterly annoying in working out in the morning. It's bad enough that I have the same schedule as the rest of Dubai's Desperate Housewives; I also have to watch them gossip amongst them selves and build gangs in class rooms so they can occupy the great spots. I will talk about this one day. That and the cellulites and saggy boobs, implants, everything you see in a women's locker room!

Going back to my original beef of the day; for a week now I successfully managed to ignore the rest of the universe and whatever significant this day has brought to me until yesterday….

The office phone rings....
Jess: Good afternoon (insert company name here) this is Jess
Lady on the other line: Hello I am calling from (hotel name) Hotel, can I talk to Jess?
Jess: (DUH! Didn’t I just ID myself earlier) You got her
Lady on the other line: Hello Madam could you send someone over to the hotel tomorrow to pick up the cake?
Jess: Huh? Cake? Someone ordered a cake? I didn't! What's the cake for?
Lady on the other line: Oh it's the cake for your birthday Madam!
Jess: Oh really? I don't really know if I can, I have work tomorrow, but if your cake is still available after 8 pm someone will eat it! (Lol) I mean I will pick it up.
Lady on the other line: Yes of course, just please claim it from the Pastries Boutique.

Weird! First of all how do they even know it's my b-day? Sure I put some of our insignificant low budgeted guests there but knowing my b-day is too much of information a Hotel used once a year can get a hold of, I'm officially scared now!
And what's with the Pastries Boutique somehow for me the word Boutique should only be associated with garments, fabric or textiles.

2 hours later an e-mail came through from a Head Hunter company wishing me Happy B-day but no mention of any cake at all! (cheap bastards! Lol!)
Several minutes later, I was flooded with e-mails from various companies like Souq.com, Hotmail and many others.
As if the day isn't weird enough I received sms form HSBC sending their wishes.
5 days back I been getting myspace messages from people I do not know of also with their greetings, then as I logged in today I read at least 10 offline messages from skype with the same intention-to wish me happy b-day!
OK Who are these people?

Despite the strangeness factor bit, I am deeply touched that the World Wide Web spent 1 second to remember! Sweet! So while I was absorbing this nostalgic relationship I have with the Internet I paused and asked myself. Am I all over the place? Am I too honest when filling out information online? I certainly am. Suddenly I am having an anxiety attack. I cannot distinguish the difference between feeling overwhelmed by how these insignificant others take a little time for me and being scared for putting too much truthful information online (aside from this blog of course where I chose to be somewhat anonymous)

As I slowly regain full consciousness I asked (again), where the hell are my friends? How come I get mostly impersonal greetings? Oh I remember 1 friend called me on the 5th and she was all like "Hey hey it's your b-day" I sighed and said, Dude you are calling the wrong friend, try again it's not the 7th yet.

Last night I received an overseas call from someone I used to totally hangout with. A friend that’s always hungry never full and she call me "Bitch" when she feels like being sweet. BUT the line got disconnected, the bad thing was, her number didn't appear on my phone so no way of calling her back - that bitch sure knows how to annoy me even when she's million miles away. I love and miss her though.

So anyway I wanted to go to sleep earlier last night for a change because you know, I normally get some shut eyes way past 2 am. My phone just never shut up, so I shut it off. This morning people started calling again. I intentionally ignore them as I took my time dressing up for work. Somehow I can’t ignore the ringing forever, I picked it up to find out that my friends wants to see me because they bought me a cake (another cake) I’m not really fond of the idea that collecting cakes will be the highlight of this day but whatever and I’m not even a cake person.

Now I am not sure where I stand with this birthday thing, it’s no longer a big deal to me. I just want to get it over with.

Uh Huh Her!

2007-05-13T21:11:00.000+04:00

Today after what seems to be an eternal hiatus I decided to see you again. I went to your class after a major resistance. I told myself I needed the work out (who am I kidding?). I signed in, got my ticket and got inside the room. Wait! Who is this rather fine looking woman fixing the weights-YOUR weights! A little conversation went through my head "Does this mean she is not teaching? Oh I guess it's great so then I would not have to deal with random discomforts every time she looks at me. Good, I'm ready, bring it!". Just when I was settling in you walked right through the door. Why is it that every time I feel your presence I get completely dismantled? My head was spinning I kept on telling myself I could do this, you are just some person in this class. I can always just concentrate on the drill; yes that's right, it's not so hard to do is it? For a brief moment things were fine, class begun, that fine looking lady kicked it off with you being the shadow. That's good I don't have to hear your voice, that would make things easier. Off we go! Pick up your weights, bend your knees, stick your butt, count one two yoohooo! Perfect; I forgot that few minutes back I was dismantled; I have regained my composure...until you smiled at me! There it goes again, your presence taking over me, I had to smile back although I wish I hadn't but then I would be really rude. I need to look away-away from your overwhelming glory.

Halfway through the class you switched places, you took over I heard your voice, it's powerful, it's tearing me apart. I wish this class would end and then I could kick your butt all over town, soon after that I will forget you (yeah right! In my dreams!). An hour of agony later, my self inflicted misery is over! Class dismissed! I ran to the locker room; shower, I need shower! Some pretentious lady trying to be as slang (Yankee slang but I could still tell where she is from) as she could was crunched down below my locker talking to someone in her cell about a dinner. Normally that would really irritate me but not this time, I have other things in my mind. I had to get out of this place before I am face to face with my death. I have never stripped so fast in my life. Yeah but I wrapped my body around with towel so quickly too. Shower time. Lather it up, rinse and go! In times like these when you look like a potato sack in your towel gown; you wouldn't really wanna see the person you are running away from. And who do I ran into across the shower area? You! Why God? What did I do wrong? Once again we said "Hi" (with a slight hint of embarrassment and a lot of awkwardness, I am so sure you noticed that) I had a little time to analyze. Did watching Forrest Gump last night a screaming clue of what my day is going to be like? Run Jess Run? Whatever, I have to get dressed; immediately if not sooner! I got my skirt, my top and wow I still have my towel around my head and who walked in this time? Her! Uh huh her! That pretty lady with you in the class. She is hot and I'm sure you think so too. While I was pickin up my dirty clothes you showed up! Dammit! Can I go anywhere without you being there at all?!? Gotta fix my stuff, I got to get out of here I am running out of air to breathe. Then you had a conversation with her. You were asking her out for a dinner! She seemed a little bit hesitant, I am just not sure if it's because she does not want people to know that you are asking her out or that she is a closet case or maybe she lives in Straight Ville. Suddenly I am frozen, not because of your presence but because I just realized something. That look in your eyes and that smile you have while you are looking at her is the same God Damn look and smile that I had when I was talking to you sometime back from which Ana had told me. Can this be anymore of a torture? I feel how you feel. I feel it for you and you feel that for her! You really like her don't you? While I am figuring this all out, I wish that I am in a different place! I should have stayed home and bathe my dog, watched whatever and not have a knife stabbed my heart a million times in a matter of 2 minutes! Seriously I need to get myself away from this! Dammit why is it that when you need flip flops you find a pair of converse in your bag instead all this damn shoe laces that I now don't remember how to tie! I looked up and you picked up a sweaty black garment, you asked her if it was hers and she said yes, and you put it in your pocket! Did you just take her underwear and put it in your pocket? WTF!!!

I managed to escape from that holocaust and we all know that when we are rushing we tend to forget many things! Where the hell is my cell phone? Please don't make me go back there I cannot suffer any further! I can't breathe, I need my car keys! Where the hell is everything? In this situation I usually say calm down, well bull shit! How can I calm down when my world is falling apart? Eventually I found everything. I can now safely go home. As I walked to the parking lot which is not very far by the way, I felt some moist in my eyes, now it cannot be tears, maybe it's just because it's too humid, but that moist became liquid and they start to fall, I felt my heart stopped beating for a second and my shoulder was shaking. I guess I am crying. These are the most stupid tears I have ever let go from my eyes. I can't cry for you, you don't even know I like you...a lot. You that I only see when I want to. You that I can never have enough courage to ask out.

I had to call Ana, she is the only one who understands, she told me when she met her that I have some serious thing going on for her. This is when she explained about the look I had and the smile I had while I looked or perhaps stared at her. For sure she would not tell me how stupid I am for feeling this way. But then again she might yell at me for not asking you out long before. Now it's officially too late. You have that za za zoom in your eyes for that beautiful lady. After I dialed Ana's number for about a hundred times I gave up. It's Sunday afternoon in Madrid, she must have been out with her family. I sat in my car a little longer with my blurry vision. I wish it was raining so nobody can see. I went home, naturally when I see my dog I feel better, but not this time. It hurts to like someone so much without them knowing. And unfolding the reality in front of my very eyes wasn't easy to accept either. I guess that's how my story with you ends. You took my sunshine away. I have never been so heart broken in my entire life until tonight!

Just as I was about to save this; Ana texted asking if I was ok. I called her and as soon as she said "Hola!" I'm soaked with tears again. Apparently I was wrong because she said "You are so stupid why are you crying? You have seen her with that curly haired girl whom you thought was her girlfriend and it never affected you how is this different?" And I felt that knife stabbed me again. This is different because I never saw you look at curly haired girl like that; I can feel that you are nervous around that pretty lady today. I reminded Ana about that look that she told me about. And I said "This is different because I never saw HER asked anyone out in front of me before" And she said it sucks that she is so far away because it scares her to actually hear me sob and talk at the same time. She said "I gotta get you to Madrid soon, promise me that after this there are no more Mona classes, its either that or you go to another gym! Forget about Mona"

Kate - I THANK YOU for Caring

2007-05-08T14:31:00.000+04:00

Although many people think that the Showtime's hit series The L Word is overrated; I still look forward to the next season although it didn't give us a lot to hold on to for the next 9 months. When I find something utterly interesting for example a TV show I tend to go deeper than the text book (i.e. the script), I can't just watch and be totally incoherent, I feel the need to unravel the real color of the people who plays the character on TV hence the endless research about the cast-only the ones I admire. I would like to know that they are so much more than that of the character that they play. The ones that I find endearingly amazing are Kate Moennig and Leisha Hailey.

Kate was on a teenage TV show called Young Americans she was also seen in Art School Confidential, Invitation to Suicide and a film called Shipping News etc.

Leisha on the other hand have been in the spot light since she was a kid, I first knew of her from listening to a 2 piece band The Murmurs, and then I later discovered that Leisha was also in this old TV show called When Boy Meets Girl and so many other appearances in TV and music industry, she currently have a new band called Uh Huh Her they haven't put up a website as of yet, perhaps they are still too busy working on their EP and I hope it's nothing less than what The Murmurs have established over the past decade.

While Leisha is an openly admitted Lesbian; Kate Moennig never talks about her sexuality which I am pretty bummed out about or maybe I don't really care much for I absolutely hope and believe that she is a lesbian. There is not a single part of her body that tells me she is straight, remember Gaydar? Yeah we all have it implanted in our system and her signal is so much stronger than Etisalat could ever produce! In fact she kinda help me realized who I am.

So I did some searching about her and I am deeply overwhelmed to discover what a wonderful person she is. And in my very little way I am grateful of what she is doing. The only question I have about her documentary is: Now that they know how hostile the lives of these kids are; will they do more than just film them?

My Address with K. Moennig:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Leisha and Kate's funny podcast:

Que Coño ha Pasado?

2007-04-19T18:52:00.000+04:00

I went on vacation for a week and when I came back my blog is in German?
WTF happened here?!?
I would have understood it if it were in Spanish but noooo...it has to be Deutche?
Sohn eines Weibchens!!!!

Excepts from the short lived vacaciones:

The beach had lots of biatches and it was equally awesome...I am burned as hell...can't wait till I see what I have filmed! A friend named Ana flew in from Madrid to see the targets (Male Emaratis) up close, apparently her appetite switched from "hombres españoles calientes" to "hombres árabes calientes " even though I have warned her that they aren't as hot as they look in the sheets, she didn't mind. She did not want just any Arab man; it has to be Emaratis wearing kandura (intrigued by what's underneath it all) Fine! I don't get it but whatever!
So we went to Al Ain where all the beautiful and perfect Emarati gentlemen were and boy did she almost piss in her pants! I guess she didn't have fun as much as she should have had because some part of my brain have blocked all the menkind and I have completely lost interest in them so at some point I had a hard time relating to a female desire just by lookin at men. We head back to Dubai later that day and I had to come up with some excuse to go to the gym so I can see the one who takes my sunshine away! There she was...piercing blue eyes and bone melting smile!

Next night we had coffee at Japenggo in Dubai Marine area...it was beautiful...we were being so random that we wound up with this conversation:

Ana: Will you marry me?
Jess: Really?
Ana: Yea! so you can be an EU national and move to Madrid with me!
Jess: LOL! yea let's get married!

And then we started laughing, there were 2 local boys behind us and they didn't know how to react and they cannot believe if they were really hearing what they were hearing.
We left the scene still crackin up and she kept on playing with people's mind. While we were walkin she held me and said "Where do you wanna go baby I'll take you there!" and I just kept laughing! It was too funny cuz I know that she is so straight. Oh and I forgot the part when there was this pretty lady that kept on looking at me that it made me feel uncomfortable and almost wanted to ask for her name if she weren't with her sisters (I figured because they all look alike; all 3 of them). After she ate a whole plate of I dunno what the hell it was, she stood up took one more look at me (I hope it was really me she was looking at) and then left! Soon after she left the butterflies visited my stomach and decided that they want to fly around again!

Ana left on Tuesday night and the fun is over. I'm kinda sad now that my future spouse is back in Madrid! Lol!

p.s. Mona you're fuckin breakin my heart everyday and you don't even know it!

Vague

2007-04-08T15:11:00.000+04:00

In a world where everyone is delusional
Where everyone is confused and in denial
One cannot draw the conclusion between what is real and what is a make believe

I sat in a corner as I watch the world come tumbling down
I see how surreal the reality appears to be
Nothing is real and all its meaning of every purpose is vaguely represented by a superficial desire to outwit the original character

The ugliest of form is coated by an element from which the substance is brutally eliminated and stripped off of its core
As one evolves leaving nothing but a shadow of what used to be pure
Every inch of its being is corrupted by a force bigger than that of a monstrous image that won’t fade

Like a child I hide from the dream that had manifested into a nightmare that haunts me in my sleep
I searched for familiar faces as I step closer to the ground of a foreign territory
I found nothing but a feeling of eternal longing for a salvation to lift me off of an infinite void

And like a pair of paralyzed limb I felt so numb and helpless to save me from an unforgiving fate the brought me into the brink of insanity
All that I know I am left my once defined consciousness
An endless inquisition takes me to a boundless uncertainty

It seems like the search for my once affirmative identity and a battle to fight against the unknown from which I have already claimed victory for is once again set to begin
I no longer see black or white
Both have been diluted to a frightening shade of grey
Nothing is ever what it seems

Beneath the Surface

2007-04-08T01:24:00.000+04:00

I have always known...all the signs I've seen... I have always ignored..I have lived a lie...I tried to hide...I almost died...I tried to face it...I almost lost it...

...tbc...

Comfort In Your Strageness

2007-03-26T13:22:00.000+04:00

I dreamt of you last night.. you were alone sitting on the edge of the stones by the shore... your eyes looked sad.. almost teary.... your presence haunts me... your voice....qietly spoken - loudly heard...your falling apart and I'm broken....this eternal sadness... this overwhelming distance...all of these elements that keeps us apart...I once told you... you're the farthest by distance but you're the closest one I have..you still are...earlier that night I was at the grocery store...I was headed out while you walk towards me...in the middle of the sliding door we met.. I was looking at my way...I bet you were too..when our bodies touched...you whisper on my left ear..."yOu are sO cute"... it was very strange..the way you uttered it...the way I felt your right arm brushed up against mine..it gave me chills...I glanced at your direction... you were gone.. all I said was a lame thank you...I continued to walk.. stuffed my bags at the back of the car...I sat inside...I waited for a short while...you came out.. looked around.. I knew you were looking for me...the tint on my window blocked every image of me...you reversed and took off...I sat a little bit longer...to let the butterflies-in-my-stOmach fly around it...I went home... await for you...I saw you as soon as I closed my eyes...you're beautiful...who are you?

Tonee's Craddle

2007-03-23T15:16:00.000+04:00

In the middle of wanting to party and finding nirvana on a Thursday night I found myself doing neither as I stood completely stunned by the door lookin at my friend Tonee with a knife in his hand and very lightly trying to cut fine lines on his wrist! I walked towards him and hugged him tightly trying to take that knife away but he refused to let go of it! Holy jumping Jesus! What do I do?
He said "This is it!"
Huh? This is what - I asked myself, Is he gonna seriously cut his wrist?
And again he said "This is my Karma"
Allow me to explain that - the boyfriend that he has now used to be his best friend's boyfriend. You know how they say "If he cheats with you, he will cheat on you?" well - this is what it's about.

Tonee asked for Drew (our other friend) so I went out of the room and find Drew who was then tensed while chopping tomatoes in the kitchen. I told him that Tonee want's to see him. Meanwhile, Larry, (Tonee's now ex boyfriend - but I don't know anymore) was in the living room watchin TV and at the same time calming himself down from that vicious fight they just had. I told Larry what I found in that room. He hurriedly went to see for himself and asked Drew to leave the 2 of them in the room to talk and possibly keep Tonee from killing himself.

I sat in the corner of my room thinkin OMG! What a night! I never realized that homosexual relationship can be so dramatic not to mention traumatic! 20 minutes later Larry knocked on my door, he said "Could you do me a favor and drop Tonee to his new place, I could not do it, I can't stay in this house either" I said "Of course" Drew finished cooking, we ate dinner, we tried to have a completely different topic to divert the situation but I could not help lookin at Tonee and seeing how hurt he is though I'm very happy that the knives and all the sharp objects were all hidden somewhere he could not find. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him that's it's all going to be ok but knowing Tonee, doing such would all the more cause him to break down so we pretended everything was fine.

Benji (Drew's boyfriend) and I loaded Tonee's things in the car. As we walked away from what used to be a happy home I felt Tonee's pain sunk deeper in his veins and that deafening silence and the eerie atmosphere that surrounds us consumed every bit of strength that held Tonee together. I held his hand and I whispered "Don't look back" as we get closer to the gate Larry shouted "Are you crying again? Stop crying!" Tonee let go of a long sigh and motioned to his direction and said "No, my right knee is hurting that's why I can't walk properly" I continued to walk Tonee went back and Larry walked towards him, they kissed, they hugged. What a pitiful sight. It hurts. They said their goodbyes, and that they'd call each other. I started the engine, sat and waited for Tonee to get in the car. As soon as he sat down he let go of all the tears he's been trying to stop from falling. I started to drive as Tonee fell apart. I said "Scream if you need to, cry as hard as you can its ok, no one’s gonna know" (That's right this is why I'm blogging it - I'm such a traitor) He stopped and he said “I’m ok, I’m done” I said “You are not done, you are just getting started, let it all flow, let it all out, for this is your last cry” And then he burst into an endless river of tears.

The thing is, Tonee and Larry has been having problems since late last year when Tonee went on a month long vacation leaving Larry in Dubai living like a single man; Larry's going out habit isn't something that Tonee is very fond of which at some point; we all thought that Larry was seeing another boy toy. They talked about it and Larry stopped goin out. Despite the effort that Larry exerted to compromise and willingness to meet Tonee half way, Tonee remained reluctant to rekindle the relationship and settled being a desperate "housewife" who find's his joy in cleaning the house and doing the laundry over the weekend! We (Benji, Drew and I) have tried countless of ways to make Tonee understand that their deteriorating relationship is not gonna revive itself and that he has to meet Larry's needs which for us are very simple. Larry's indulgent includes, eating dinner outside twice a month, walking thru Ikea's model rooms and amusing himself with the selection of products in Dragon Mart. "If" indeed Larry cheated on Tonee, he stopped (oh so we thought - who knows) as soon as Tonee asked him to stop and make "them" work again, Larry did just what he was told but Tonee did not reciprocate well to save the relationship. Every time Larry would ask him to go out, Tonee has all the excuse one can come up with. "I'm tired, I'm cleaning, I wanna stay home and watch DVD, I need to press the clothes" So their main activity on Friday is basically general cleaning so hot right?!?
As expected; Larry has grown so bored with all of it. The spark died. The sex - well there were none anymore.

Larry asked for a room to breathe, a space, in short he wants a "cool off" are we still calling it that? The gentle or coward way to end it? From what I have gathered over a caramel macchiato and too many sticks of cigarettes' conversation with Tonee at Starbucks along Jumeirah Beach Road, the deal is; in 2 months they will try to find themselves again separately, they have been a couple for so long that they have lost their individuality. Tonee does not know who he is without associating himself with Larry. Tragic! This decision made Tonee felt like Larry is pushing him away, what he wanted was, to resolve the problem while they are together; he cannot grasp the concept of "independence", he would want to craddle a crippled relationship. After 2 months of soul searching or what have you, they will then decide if they want to get back together.
I tried to explain to Tonee how this thing called "breathing space" works. So I began, I said too much togetherness is just as bad as being too far apart. Unless you share absolutely the same interest (which can sometimes be boring) or you are both headed towards the same direction, otherwise it will just eat you alive. Don't think that he is pushing you away; this is an opportunity for both of you to explore your individuality so you can then become an interesting person to each other once again. It’s about finding a way to re-live the spark you once had when he got attracted to you, so attracted he decided to cheat on your best friend with you! (lol I didn't say that out loud) But I think I said many things last night that made sense to him because he said "What you said were the same thing that Drew, Benji and even Larry were talking about, I just could not accept and understand it because I felt like I'm being pushed away and punished. Now I know"

@ 2:30 am I am almost hallucinating due to excessive amount of coffee and cigarette, we decided its time to go to Tonee's new place.
I wish it was not real, tiny elevator, the flat was too small, the mattresses are on the floor and he is sharing a room with 4 girls! The room is small enough for 2 people let alone 5! I cursed Larry, I wish there are some other place where I could take Tonee. I could not bear it. I was screaming in my head. It's not fair! I felt so helpless. I excused myself and told Tonee I have to go because my car wasn't parked properly. I told him I would call him. I could not breathe in the elevator, I am claustrophobic but never mind that, what about Tonee? That poor thing! I called as soon as I drove off to say sorry that I had to go and that he should rest. I promised I would pick him up every Friday night and we'd go wherever he wants to. Maybe in 2 months he is back in our home but that's not even guaranteed.

Today I still could not believe that last night did happen. My poor friend.

Sunday Drill

2007-03-21T17:11:00.000+04:00

On Sunday I met up with Aliya the Emarati Account Executive in one of the Hotels that we frequently use along Sheikh Zayed Road, I have never set foot in that hotel until that night. Normally this show-around-the-hotel meetings are either brunch or just lunch, I decided to make Aliya work late so I made her set our meeting over dinner.

My schedule is considered bizarre in this little place we work and live in, it’s the Monday-Friday work and Saturday-Sunday rest. How weird for most people; how great for me! Since I do not work on Sundays, I don't ever get up till 2pm and that's the earliest I could do. Needless to say I totally forgot Aliya! Well not until she called twice (which I missed) and sent an sms to check. At 3pm still half asleep, I was trying to remember who she was and why was she asking for dinner. Somewhere between watching too many gay tv series and films and getting randomly French kissed in a bar by a wasted chic I asked myself - Have I come out yet? Or most importantly; have I actually become a lesbian overnight? I seriously could not remember why I am having a dinner with a girl!
I have always known I have the tendency to switch teams but it has'nt happened as of yet - and that is something I am certain about.
So as soon as I was able to see straight I called Aliya.

Aliya: Allooo?
Jess: (confused) Hi, It's Jess, sorry I missed your call, remind me again why we are having dinner?
Aliya: Oh it's only to show the Hotel to you Madam.
Jess: (totally relieved) Oh Awesome! YES I'll be there.
Aliya: Ok I wait for you.

Phew! Man she woke me up big time! All 151cm of me!
So I got up worked out and took a shower!

@exactly 7:30pm I stepped into the hotel's lobby and she was standing there by the reception all smile and welcomed me with open arms. Sweet!

Off we began, show around, explain the room's amenities, benefits etc., then restaurant tour. This meeting is fun-(ny) till I saw one bar on the corner and suddenly some supposedly-forgotten-image flashed back! Yep the girl in a bar who raped my face. I shook my head and turned to Aliya who was patiently trying to figure out how to construct a sentence without saying "yani".
Then she said "Ok khalas let's eat dinner".
I smiled and told myself (Oh wow let's do it I'm super hungry!)

She is so adorable although I must say that if I ever decide to play in the girl's team I don't think I would date her. Let me tell you why.

-She's an Emarati

- Teeth are not one of my turn ons but it's necessary that those set of teeth are great if not perfect. I won't say what she lacks in that area but don't get me wrong she's got teeth

-Although she said "I am very open mind" I don't think she would go down that road.

-I can't get over the challenge in conversing with her without laughing in my head and it's mean I know that!

There are some parts of that meeting that still entertains me like:
"Do you sure I cannot meet the clients in bar?"
"Of course I know this - why are you surprising?"
"I told my boss fine! This is your choose and this is my choose and because with that I will not join you anymore in the work so I left"

I feel so guilty for making fun of it because she actually thought that we could totally hangout and be friends - which I absolutely don't mind.

She said "I really enjoy this"

And I automatically said "Oh yeah? maybe we could do a road trip sometime" (huh? WTF?) She loves Al Ain that's why I said that - and I meant it too.

But I hope that she would not take it seriously though - if one day she does I'll sure tell you - because I might actually overlook the teeth factor!

Kill Tim!

2007-02-22T14:30:00.001+04:00

so...where do we begin...inspired by the brilliant writers such as S & D and Haroun EP...I have decided to breakaway from my comfort zone and explore my intellectual side (if i even have any)...I am not smart...and I'm not trying to be... I have written things several times already but those were elsewhere... as I browsed through the pages of the wickedly funny blogs I couldn't help but realized that I have been writing some serious depressing melancholy crap all this time...although I know I'm funny but when it comes down to it... my pen and papers - every time I use them they are not laughing...instead they are these 2 gloomy object staring at me urging me to write something tragic...so gloomy that when I was in 7th grade our English teacher asked us to put few words to end a paragraph that begins with "It's Tuesday morning and Tim woke up late! Today is his biggest day for he is set to compete for The Math League......." and there I was with my vicious mind and its equally wicked alliance (pen and paper) sitting on the floor of our study room fully equipped with my brilliant story to read to the class in the morning....

as the class begin...we were reminded about our assignment and that each of us will read our story in front of the class...there would be no judging (damn right there were none!)...no right or wrong... so 85% of the class wrote..."Tim ended up late for the Math League and didn't win"...some 10% wrote "His mom called in to excuse him for the class as he was sick"...4% wrote not so interesting-fabricated-juvenile-lame shit and a tiny percent of the class called "me" wrote a completely disturbing ending...so disturbing that I was in counseling for a week...like I’m some sort of a lunatic high on heroin at 12!...I asked them...what do you want from me?!...I’m 12!!!!.....

it turned out that...creative writing at 12 is forbidden....that killing Tim (and 10 other students in the school bus) in the story from a very tragic and psychotic accident is not supposed to be an idea that a 7th grader should have in her head...what?...i just wrote...Tim hurried up for school...and being the great kid that he is he persuaded his school bus driver friend to take short cuts to keep him from being late from the league...so the driver did...what a great friend...that's when everything started to get really twisted...long story short...the school bus was car napped by 3 gun men...long beard and looked like undertaker (the wrestler! I was 12 gimme a break!!)...anyway they were being chased around by the cops...meanwhile on the other street the back up for the bad guys were on a look out and waiting on them to show up in that haunted warehouse where the other kids were...these kids were to be sold to this other bad guy and he exports them to some remote country and feed them to the gorillas...back to the bus situation...one of the bad guy had his gun pointed on the driver's temple and the other bad guy is singing Old McDonald Had a Farm to the kids and occasionally shooting outside the window and the 3rd bad guy well... he just kept on shooting at the cops...anyway...as the bus was speeding and approaching the intersection a huge trailer has lost its control and spun in the middle of the junction hitting the school bus where Tim was at and now completely frantic because of the bad guys in the school bus but never forgetting the fact that he is late for the league as well as the obvious that this is all his fault...so all that made Tim really guilty, pressured, scared you name it!...as the Trailer and the bus collided Tim was thrown out the school bus landed on a top of another car… bounced around and as his body was tossed up in the air his limb...rib cage head and legs and arms scattered as it hit the ground...the other student in the bus - they died inside it due to internal bleeding...concussion etc...Tim has a unique and tragic fate...that's cuz he is or should i say was the star in the story...

having all that story told now that i'm older...I still ask myself this question...did I really deserve to be in counseling/detention for a week for writing it?...you know what sucks...they didn't believe i wrote it!!...so then why the hell are you detaining me?!!!....ahhhh!!! you &amp;^*&%^$!!!....sheeesh...what's a kid gotta do to be taken seriously in this world...and then when I was in college my brother accused me of using drugs because I was listening to Rage Against The Machine in my room while I was studying for an exam for Political Science...I mean what is with the old people and the automatic accusation of being on drugs all the time!...my brother jinx the band so much that they have disbanded!!! ...and then i got so pissed i quit college...I was clean...I still am...I am probably tidier than a rubbing alcohol or disinfectant ...now that I'm older and acting so weird sometimes cuz i live way too much in my head...no one accuses me of anything anymore...or maybe they are too afraid to say it...LOL!!!